Sometimes I wish I could read minds, then I would be in control of every situation. The only thing I hate worse than stupidity is when I feel like I have no control over a situation. Although I would suppose that most people also prefer to have control over things that affect them, it is a small minority that enjoy being subservient. I would like to find that happy medium, where no one is the obviously dominent one and it is equal...in that idealistic way that only seems to happen in books. I know I tend to take control, I do it naturally from years of being disapponted in others when it comes to depending on them. I can't think of one person who hasn't let me down at one time or another, although I am sure I am also guilty of that. My point being though that it would be ideal if everything was clearly defined in life....you knew where everything/everyone stands. There would be a lot less anxiety. Much less depression. That lack of control people feel when they allow other people to affect their life can be very overwhelming. There is the chance they will screw you over...that they will hurt you, and a lot of people don't want to deal with that. Other people purposely hurt the ones they love to see if they will stay, to see if their feelings are genuine. I used to have to go through that, being tested all the time, to see if I would give up when it wasn't all sunshine and cable tv. I never did, but it still hurt each time, everytime I cried it killed off some part of me, some part of my love. Because I would never have done that back, or in the first place. It was never about proving anything with me, I felt what I felt and I wouldn't lie about it. So when the testing was over and I came out the victor, or the loser depending on how you looked at it, I vowed to never go back there. Because even when I was fighting to keep that relationship I knew it could never last because even though he was older I was better...I knew I was better, no dispute and that wasn't healthy. In fact I always felt like I was better than the boys I dated. Maybe I wasn't always, but I felt like it. I acted more mature, I had a better job/car/style, had more money and education. For the first time I'm with someone I don't feel superior to. I'm not better, just older...so for the first time I really have something I would want to hold on to.